Fri. Aug 12th, 2022

A photo of two limited edition Nickelodeon All-Stars Xbox Series X consoles featuring SpongeBob and Leo from TMNT.

Two custom Xbox consoles come in, only one really matters
Photo: Microsoft

In celebration (read: cross-promotional advertising) of the latest release of Nickelodeon’s All-Star Brawl, Microsoft is running a competition where a lucky player can win an Xbox Series X console dressed as SpongeBob SquarePants, complete with a matching controller. Only one lucky player? It’s nonsense. Everyone should have the opportunity to own a SpongeBob Xbox.

SpongeBob has been annoying parents, delighting children and inspiring teens to meme since 1999. Almost everyone I know has been touched by this outrageous basal worshiped somehow, from my children to my noble elderly parents. Any person who has ever been influenced in any way by SpongeBob deserves a SpongeBox SquareSeries X.

By deserving I mean “deserving of a chance to buy.” I’m not saying that Microsoft should distribute one of these special consoles for free to every single person in the world. It would be a whole new logistical nightmare on top of the existing logistical nightmare of trying to deliver basic Xbox Series X demand amid a persistent global shortage of parts. I simply suggest that each Xbox Series X produced comes standard with a spongebob wrap, allowing buyers to remove the cover if for some reason they prefer a plain, dull box.

A full-featured SpongeBob SquarePants Xbox Series X, complete with controller.

My beautiful kid
Photo: Microsoft

Just look at it. It’s perfection. The only custom Xbox Series X console I’ve seen coming close is the one dressed as a box of Bojangles’ fried chicken. The only way to improve the design would be to not paint the arms and offer optional magnetic plastic frames and a base shaped like SpongeBob legs.

Read more: Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl Is so good Smash May need to see its back

And look at that controller? Using the right analog stick and the A button to act as SpongeBob’s eyes is a kind of design genius. It should definitely be appreciated by more than a single competition winner.

An image of an Xbox Series X painted to look like Leonardo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Nonsense
Photo: Microsoft

Note that I did not mention the other custom Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl Xbox Series X console. That’s because it’s rubbish. They just painted Leo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles face on the front and a piece of pizza on the side. And what is that controller? Why does Leo suddenly have a right analog nose? It makes no sense. Therefore, according to the official competition rules, Leo is the prize in second place.

The SpongeBob console owns its first-place status, but really it should not be a prize at all. It should be everywhere in the world and warm the store shelves with its light yellow presence. It may not be the Xbox Series X console we wanted, but it’s the Xbox Series X console we deserve.

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